Friday, April 25, 2008

Time to Press Play again...

After months of holding the pause button on writing, I woke up very early this morning after not so many hours of sleep to write. I almost started to say there is alot on my mind but I think what it is, is there is not. Like many I am sure, I am reading "A New Earth Awakening to Your Life Purpose" by Eckhart Tolle. Truthfully, it is hard for me to put into words how deeply this book is resonating with me.

To share a bit about it, here is the synopsis from the back cover of "A New Earth". I could not say it better so here it is:"The Power of Now", Eckhart Tolle expands on these powerful ideas (of showing readers how to discover the freedom and joy of a life lived in the now"to show how transcending our ego-based state of consciousness is not only essential to personal happiness but the key to ending conflict and suffering throughout the world. Tolle describes how our attachment to ego creates the dysfunction that is anger, jealousy, and unhappiness, and shows readers how to awake to a new state of consciousness and follow the path to a truly fulfilling existence.
When I woke this morning, I was aware of all sorts of thoughts running through my mind oh about the day, and whatever else sort of flitted through my mind's field. Then I took myself right to my own breath and noticed how the thoughts left. And at that moment I was in the Now, in the present moment and really this is all that matters. I started this blog back in October thinking about how I can learn to be more in the present moment and how the hoola hoop for me was perhaps the beginning of learning how come to the present. I hadn't yet picked up this book but I'd done alot of thinking about how to I help teach myself how to stop living in all these forecasted thoughts about what hasn't happened and about what already has happened that perhaps wasn't so pleasant and learn to let go of this and just be in the moment of right Now. Being. Just being. I absolutely love this to write it, say it be it. This for me means not being anything or anyone just being with myself in the very moment of right now. By no means is this selfish or self-centered. I think more than ever for me being in the moment is helping me to be far more present with my girl and my partner. Instead of thinking or waiting on the next moment, I am just right here. For my parenting, this feels incredibly empowering. To be nothing other then in the present moment. Now, what's real is this is a journey for me and the practice of being in the Now is coming in moments. I can feel and sense a peace and calm. This is not yet where I am always but even to have glimpses of what this can feel like is exhilerating.

Last night, I had the opportunity to really catch myself in one of those times of getting lost in my own thoughts. I was home with Hoopin Girl listening to one of our favorite CDs "Yogoman Burning Band". I was cooking dinner and just trying to focus on that. My thoughts though sent me reeling on the fact that today(now yesterday) was the day my husband would find out whether or not he would get a particular job that he has been temporarily in for this past year. I could sense all the thoughts come barreling in wondering why he wasn't home yet, why he hadn't picked up his office phone, did he get the job or not, what would we do if he didn't, if he did? The I sat there watching Hoopin Girl dancing and I picked up another Tolle book my friend had just left for me the night before and opened to a random page on how we can get to the Now. I sat there and read a few lines and I suppose accepted that I was reeling in these thoughts and slowly perhaps some of these thoughts dissipated. I pushed myself to look up at Hoopin Girl and get to Now by picking her up and dancing with her. I held her tight and danced to our favorite songs and just focused on that very time with her, those very moments.
Soon, he walked through the door. I could feel his sadness and see it on his face. He did not get the job. I was so sorry, that's what I said. Hoopin Girl hugged her Papa hard and loved him up. I did the same. And tried to say nothing but just let him be. My usual mode of operandi is to jump in and try and save the day, cheer him up, fix what's wrong. But I know that is not for me to do. All I did say was this is what it is. Not getting this job is a big disappointment but that's all it is. The truth is there is no attachment of getting this job or not getting the job that is tied to who he really is. He has a gift for what he does and that is his to share perhaps not in this place next year but in some other. I started to understand that there is nothing more for me to figure out. Not even the why not him, why not us. None of those questions really matter in this very moment. When the time comes, if he wants to learn more about why he didn't get this job, then he can but it just seems to me thinking and guessing about all the "whys" and "what ifs" is not what is at the heart of this very moment or that moment in time, nor does it matter at this moment in time. Being quiet and being there for him and fully present are what matters.

At this point, Hoopin Girl is awake and I'm going to go be with her. She is telling me she's ready to be hang out as she is perched atop my shoulders.

There's my start to writing again.
Have a sweet day.


Amy said...

Its so good to see a new post! I've missed our chats and I've missed you! I'm so sorry he didn't get the job darling! All will be well, I can feel it! I'm happy to hear how the book has had such an impact on you, I can even feel it in your writing! Love you darling!

Therese said...

You've been so on my mind, I knew I should see if you wrote... :)
Not getting that job is a blow for many reasons, and I feel for him too. I'm going through my own stuff right now, feeling disappointed in myself, and surroundings. And like your tendency to "fix" everying, I want to make it all better- NOW. Instead of forcing this happiness, I have decided to let myself explore the sad, anger, disappointment, and see where it lands. It's as though I'm chasing the white rabbit, and I have no clue where we're going, and most of the time I end up laughing at my reactions becuase I've come full circle- with no conclusions.
But then I can rest, because I felt something real.
My thoughts are with you guys, and we will see you soon.