Knit a row. Purl a row. Knit a Row. Purl.....

I signed up for a basic knitting course with a couple great women friends of mine. I have learned to knit and purl at various times throughout the years and have even knit a few wearables. Scarves for holiday gifts and a sweet little hat for Hoopingirl for which she designed the color scheme.
I do really love to knit at times during the year. I'm particularly drawn to knitting in the fall and winter seasons. Something about drinking tea and knitting feels warm and nourishing to me especially when mixed with a good visit. Today I met my great friend at our local Food Coop and we helped each other with the ole purl stitch. I've always learned to throw in my knit and purl and in this class we are learning to pick. Already I loved the term because when I hear pick I think of Bluegrass music and though I play no instrument that requires a pick--it is in one of my dreams to learn to play the fiddle someday or bass perhaps. In this pick method though, the action is much quieter and I like it. Knitting this new way came along fairly quickly but the purl well that's felt a little awkward so far. The awkwardness is a good thing I'm convinced. The awkwardness is a challenge. I've come to learn that I like this kind of challenge . I want to keep at it until it feels natural. For now, so mindful. so conscious. Not yet relaxing. Yet its ok. It feels good to be learning something new.

But the time, the hour away from work sitting with my dear friend all cozy in our sweaters knitting and visiting and laughing was rich. I told her this is my vision that I will have this time away from a routine job--two hours to do this to do something so delicious to feel a little of that freedom. I can see the design of the day--taking Hoopingirl to school for a shorter day than now, me writing, working and taking time out to nourish myself. Spending more time with my Girl. The rhythm seems good.

When I sat there last week in the first class metting, I realized how energized I felt just being out learning something new. On my own. I'd not scheduled any regular recreational activity for myself since Hoopingirl was born. The reasons ah well that's a big subject on finding balance between working and being a mama and not wanting to take time away from my mama time with Hoopingirl. The balance is challenging. I have worked full-time to provide for our family as the Papa has been in school for the last two years redirecting his own career. I leave work and I want to be with my Girl. And in that precious time after work and until her bedtime, there is still the need to find balance and time for myself. There has been great pull not to because I've not wanted to take time away from her. I am trying to grasp and learn how important it is that I do take some regular time away in order to re-energize and nurture myself for myself, for my family. I definitely take time for myself but let's say it has not been any sort of regularly scheduled anything more like a here and there and a I better schedule it a week ahead of time kind of thing. This is my own doing and my own responsibility I realize that more and more.
The balance though is shifting. Now our priority is to create a way for me to work less away from home. I am taking steps to create time for myself and it is true the more I do that even 15 minutes or 30 minutes, I am far more refreshed to be a much more conscious, mindful and present parent. This involves such a shift in thinking at least on my part. The internal dialog of quieting my mind of any guilt. Nourish yourself. Nourish the Girl. Nourish the Family. Slow Down. Relax. This is a new way of thinking. Awkward at first. I will practice and slowly it will feel more natural. On we go. Knit a Row. Purl A Row. Knit a Row. Purl...

Working on the Dream

So it hit me hard once again today. I want to work part-time! Yes I do. I need to say it aloud and write this down alot to put it out there. Walk the earth and say it loud! Riding the balance of being a Mom and wanting to spend time, precious time with my Hoopingirl and knowing I have the responsibility to bring home the bacon is precarious at times. I work to provide for my girl and I have to coach the part of me who is missing so much spending at least several more hours a week with my girl of that very fact. Would I feel it so precarious if I loved the work I was doing more? I don't know. For now, I go to work, I do the job, I leave. Mind you, this is one of the few times in my life I have felt this way about work. I have always invested so much of myself in my job because I loved the work. The fact that days pass so quickly and knowing I have spent each week so many hours away from my girl in a place that does not nurture my soul or where I do not feel like I'm making a meaningful contribution to the community at large well its a lot to think about some days and believe me I do. Let's just say some mornings it just isn't my first choice to walk out the door to a job that is just ok. I talk us both through it on days when Hoopingirl isn't quite ready for me to leave. I remind us both, though mainly myself I know well, why I work, for our home, for the clothes we wear, for the fun we have, so that her dad could go to school for the last two years and get on the road himself toward something he loves to do. I am grateful yes I really am that I have work so that I can take care of us. But it is time to work in new ways! Getting on the road to changing my work scene is a big part of why I am writing. I am working on creating a new vision for work and life balance and bringing it to the light of day.

I know what I want work to feel like and I'm getting so much closer to knowing what I want it to look like. I know what has most meaning to me. Being there for my girl, my family, being there for myself in doing work I love, work that is just a natural part of who I am. I do have some very practical tasks at hand, that is to come up with real numbers of what I must bring in dollar-wise. I can taste it, perhaps a little more balance day to day, more time to spend with my Hoopingirl and more time carved out for me, the me working on the dream to start my own business.

I know I can make this happen. This being working part-time doing something I enjoy or hey even love again. I know that feeling of doing work I love and really in the work world there's not much better. Where work doesn't feel like work but rather an extension of who we are. Where time flies. Where we shine internally and externally because we are doing what we love. And to be around other people who feel the same. The energy is contagious. I've had the honor to have several jobs where I have felt this. Teaching and counseling adults in career transition and designing websites for various projects. Two of my favorite work experiences. Yes, so different in some ways but there are deep parallels in that they gave me the chance for creativity, autonomy, fluidity, and freedom to experiment with ideas. Work in this time and place was far from routine and repetitious. Working with people who cared

I talk about it more and more because by talking about it I gather ideas and input.
And now I put it out in Blogville. There is far more to explore here.

Wednesday night is Hoopin Night!

Last night was one of those magical nights. Magical for me of late has meant organic and by that I mean time just unfolds; days and nights develop without much guidance or push into something delicious.

I love days and nights that unfold like this. Wonderful unplanned visits with friends stopping by or walks or bike rides with my girl or wagon rides around the neighborhood where we meet new neighbors and have conversation while our kids play. Yes these are the kind of days and nights I love. Organic. When my workday for now is routine, I like some of the other parts of my time to be a little less routine. There are plans of course to eat and grocery shop and pay bills and work on the ever-growing list of the to-dos but there is a fine balance for me on certain days where there are no hugely concrete plans just perhaps a few parameters that set the pace of the day like oh they are coming by at 2 or yeah let's eat meet at 6.

This night was one of those great nights where the pace of the night just felt right. This is the organic I am talking about. Nothing was definitively planned. I came home to meet my sweet sister-friend and her girl. Next, the rest of my family came home from their day. We poured some wine and talked and caught up on weeks of stories. Our girls put on their princess dresses, ate ravioli and played. We talk in tangents always connecting the dots in conversation and for both of us it really never matters if we finish one topic or not because we know we'll pick it up the next time we talk.

In our town, Wednesday night is Hoola Hoop night at one of our favorite local hangouts. The DJ is one of my favorites and on Wednesdays he spins some good old style reggae among other stuff. What is old style Reggae? I don't know but I know its what I like and I can tell you some of these songs I've been listening to for over 20 years. That is alot of time and yet it feels like it isn't. I love reggae particularly in the spring and summer and in the sunshine. This is music that makes me want to dance. Desmond Dekker and the Israelites, so many others. I labored to this music when I had my sweet baby girl. Great labor music. Great hooping music. An invitation to get lost in the groove. I close my eyes and let myself go who cares if the hoop drops keep going on.

The great part of this hoopin night is anyone can go. All ages. There are wee ones hooping right along side grandmothers. I watch my girl as she spins her hoop. She has without a doubt in this moment found her own groove as she dances and spins her sweet self freely around and around. I soak up the music, my girl and my friends and family and I taste the goodness of this moment.

The night of music continues to unfold as one of my favorite bands begins to play Yogoman Burning Band. I don't know the people in the band but to me it sure seems this band loves what they are doing. Their energy, the energy they give to the crowd is pure magic. They are plain and simple: so fun and so good. How good it is to be around fun this energy, to be around people who love what they are doing.

As my sister-friend and I dance together, with our children, on our own we watch our girls, the two of them smiling and dancing, running and venturing on their own. We watch them shine. We say to eachother "look at our girls." We don't need to say much more.

I love this night. I am filled with energy when we get back home and after putting my girl to bed though it is nearly 11:00 I am not ready to sleep.

There's much I have to do this week. Yes plans. But good ones and there is no specific date and time just action steps to accomplish within the week. I realized yesterday more urgently than perhaps on other days that I needed a bulletin board to post my plans, to-dos and post them big. I want my ideas and dreams up on my wall where I can stand before them, look at them, work on them, do them. My pocket size calendar and small moleskin notebook are great for my bag a and keeping track of appointments and in the moment brainstorms but for the dreams I am working on now I know they must be posted in a much bigger space. I never would have thought it would have taken months to decide on the type of bulletin board I wanted but it did. I thought I found the perfect giant sized one a few weeks ago in a free curb-side giveaway. A few days later when I really took a good look at the big board now inside our house, I saw that it was was warped. And warped for my dream board just didn't feel right. So I made the purchase yesterday and settled on corkboard tiles that I can put right up on my wall without a hammer and nail. I am excited. I have some initial postings for my wall that I am getting ready to work on too. More on this soon.